- Give me another ball. - There are no more.
What the fuck you talking about? How many balls you bring?
I brought the orange one and... the orange one.
Hey, any balls down there?
[Jay] About the biggest pair you ever seen, dingleberry.
- You only brought one ball? - I thought Redding brought all the balls.
- [Redding] Dante had the balls. - Nobody has another ball?
Shit!
We got what, 12 minutes of a game and it's over? Fuck!
Fuck, fuck, fuck! I'm not even supposed to be here today.
I still get free Gatorade, right?
- Be careful. - I'm trying.
You know, the insides of those has got stuff that can give you cancer.
- So I'm told. - Yeah.
I had a friend that chewed glass for a living. In the circus.
- And he got cancer from chewing fluorescent bulb glass? - Nah.
- Got hit by a bus. - Oh. Can I help you?
Well, uh, that depends. You got maybe a toilet in here?
- Yeah, but it's for employees only. - I understand.
But I, uh, thought maybe you'd let me use it anyway.
I'm not so young anymore and I'm, how do you say, a little incontinent.
- Sure. In the back, through the cooler. - Thank you, sonny boy.
Say, uh, what kind of toilet paper you got back there?
- The white kind. - I didn't ask about the color.
I mean, is it rough or is it cottony?
- Actually, it's kinda rough. - Oh, boy!
It's gonna knock the hell out of my hemorrhoids.
I thought maybe you could let me have a roll of the soft stuff.
I see you sell the soft stuff back there.
- Yeah, but... - Come on, boychik! What's the difference?
You said yourself you have the rough stuff in the back.
- Yeah, sure. Go ahead. - Thank you, sonny boy.
You're a lifesaver.
Say, young fella, I hate to bother you again...
but, uh, maybe I could have something in the back there to read?
A paper or something?
Sometimes it takes me a while...
and I like to have something to read while it's going on.
[Dante] Yeah, sure, go ahead.
Thank you, sonny boy. You got a heart of gold.
- Think maybe I could have a magazine? - I said go ahead.
One of the magazines you got in the back behind the counter.
- The porno mags? - Yeah!
I like the cartoons. They make me laugh.
They draw some of the biggest titties you ever saw.
Not this one. Maybe the one you got underneath this one.
- They got bigger titties in there. - Here.
- Now leave me alone. - Oh, thank you, sonny boy.
I appreciate it.
Hell of a game.
One ball? I close the store, they come all the way here, for one ball?
Hockey is hockey. At least we got to play.
Twelve minutes is not a game. Jesus, it's hardly even a warm up.
- Bitch, bitch, bitch. You want something to drink? - Yeah, a Gatorade.
- Hey, what happened to all the Gatorade? - Exactly. They drank it all.
- No way. - "It's not like we're gonna run out".
- Know what Sanford told me? - I can't believe Caitlin's getting married.
- Julie Doyer died. - Yeah, right.
- No, I'm serious. - Oh, my God!
Sanford's brother dates her cousin. He found out this morning.
- How? When? - Embolism in her brain. Yesterday.
- Jesus! - She was swimming in the pool in the YMCA when it happened.
- She died mid-backstroke. - I haven't seen her in like two years.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but wasn't she one of the illustrious 12?
- Yeah, number six. - You've had sex with a dead person.
- I'm gonna go to her wake. - No, you're not. It's today.
- What? - Posten's Funeral Parlor. Next show's at 4:00.
- Shit! What about tomorrow? - One night only. She's buried in the morning.
- You gotta watch the store. I gotta go to this. - Wait, wait, wait, wait.
- Has it occurred to you that I might be bereaved as well? - You hardly knew her.
True. But do you know how many people are gonna be there?
- All her old classmates, to say the least. - This is beneath even you.
I'm not gonna miss what's probably gonna be the social event of the season.
- You hate people! - But I love gatherings. Isn't it ironic?
Stop being an asshole. Someone's gotta watch the store.
- If you go, I go. - She meant nothing to you!
She meant nothing to you neither till I told you she died.
- I'm not taking you to this funeral. - I'm going with you.
- I can't close the store. - You just closed the store to play hockey on the roof.
Exactly! Which means I can't close it for another hour just so we can both go to a wake.
You were saying?
Thanks for putting me in such a tough spot. You're a good friend.
- She was pretty young, huh? - Twenty-two. Just like us.
- Embolism in a pool. - What an embarrassing way to die.
- That's nothing compared to how my cousin Walter died. - How did he die?
- He broke his neck. - That's embarrassing?
He broke his neck trying to suck his own dick.
- Shut the hell up. - I swear.
- Stop it. - Bible truth.
- Oh, my God! - Come on. Haven't you ever tried to suck your own dick?
- No. - Yeah, right. You're so repressed.
- Because I never tried to suck my own dick? - No, because you won't admit it.
As if a guy's a fucking pervert 'cause he tries to go down on himself.
You're as curious as the rest of us, pal. You've tried it.
- Who found him? - My cousin? Mom found him.
It was a mess. He was on his bed, his legs doubled over himself.
Mom freaked out.
- Made it, huh? Dick in his mouth? - Yeah.
Balls resting on his lips.
- Wow. He really made it. - Yeah, but at what a price.
- I can never reach. - Reach what?
- You know. - What, your dick?
Yeah. Like you said, I guess everybody gets curious and tries it sometime.
I never tried it.
Fucking pervert.
- I knew this was a bad idea to close the store. - Listen to you.
I can't help it. At least on the roof, I could see if anybody wanted to go in.
Nobody's there. It's 4:00 on a Saturday.
How many people ever come to the store at 4:00 on a Saturday?
Let me in!
[Organ Playing]
[Bells Tolling]
- [Door Closes] - I can't fucking believe you.
I'm telling you, it wasn't my fault.
- You knocked the casket over, for Christ's sake! - I was just leanin' on it.
- It was an accident. - Like someone knocks a casket over on purpose!
- So the casket fell over. Big deal. - Her fucking body fell out!
I put her back in it. It's not like it matters if she breaks something.
- Just go open the video store. - [Jay] Open the video store!
Shut the fuck up, junkie.
[Farting]
- Would you just go open the video store? - Yeah, you cock-smokin' clerk.
How many times have I told you not to be dealing in front of the store?
I'm not dealing. What're you talking about?
- Have you got anything, man? - What you want?
Yo, what's with this motherfucker right here?
Can't a guy publicly masturbate without being persecuted? Help, help, I'm being repressed!
- Let me borrow your car. - I don't want to talk to you.
- Fine. Just let me borrow your car. - Why should I loan you my car?
- I want to rent a movie. - You want to rent a movie.
- [Sighs] - What's that for?
- You work in a video store! - I work in a shitty video store.
I want to go to a good video store so I can get a good movie.
[Cat Meows]
And a pack of cigarettes.
- Cute cat. What's its name? - Annoying customer.
Fucking dickhead.
Can you imagine being halfway decent to the customers sometimes?
- Let me borrow your car. - May I be blunt with you?
If you must.
We are employees of Quick Stop Convenience and RST Video, respectively.
As such, we have certain obligations that, although they may seem cruel and unusual...
- does mean manning the store until closing. - I see.
So playing hockey and attending wakes are standard operating procedures?
There's a difference. Those are obligations that couldn't have been met at any other date.
Now, renting videos, that's gratuitous, not to mention illogical...
being that you work at a video store.
- Are you open? - Yes.
- I don't care for your rationale. - It's gonna have to do, being it's my car up for request.
- Can I help you? - A pack of cigarettes.
- What's your point? - My point is, you're a clerk, paid to do a job.
You can't just do anything you want while you're working.
"Space alien revealed as head of Time-Warner.
Report stock increase."
They print any kind of shit in this paper.
They certainly do. Three dollars.
- Your argument is that title dictates behavior. - What?
The reason you won't let me use your car is because I have a title and job description...
- and I'm supposed to follow it, right? - Exactly.
I saw one one time that said...
"The next week, the world is ending."
In the next week's paper, they said...
"We were miraculously saved at the zero hour...
by a koala-fish mutant bird."
[Laughing] Crazy shit.
So I'm no more responsible for my decisions here than, say, a death squad soldier in Bosnia?
Now that's stretching it. You're not being asked to slay children or anything.
- Yeah, not yet. - And I remember one time...
I'm gonna break your fucking head, you fucking jerk!
- I'm sorry. He meant to hit me. - Yeah? Well, he missed.
Here, let me refund your money and we'll call it even, all right?
I'll never come in here again.
And if I see you again, I'm gonna break your fucking head open!
- What the fuck did you do that for? - Two reasons.
One, I hate it when people can't shut up about the stupid tabloid headlines.
- Oh, Jesus. - And two, to prove a point. Title does not dictate behavior.
- What? - If title dictated my behavior as a clerk serving the public...
I wouldn't be allowed to spit water at that guy, but I did.
My point is that people dictate their own behavior.
Even though I work in a video store, I choose to go rent movies at Big Choice.
- Agreed? - You are a danger to both the dead and the living.
I like to think I'm a master of my own destiny.
- Please get the hell outta here. - You know I'm your hero.
Sounds to me like somebody needs to hit the gym.
- Excuse me? - I heard you strain when you picked up that milk.
- It only weighs seven pounds. - I didn't strain. I sighed.
I don't think so. That was a grunt.
A deep inhalation of oxygen to aid in the stretching of muscles.
I'm a trainer. I know what that sound signifies. You're out of shape.
- I don't think so. - I do.
You made the same noise reaching across the counter for my cash.
Your muscles are thin, sadly underutilized.
- They are not! - Yes, they are. You're out of shape.
- What are you talkin' about? There's no fat on my body. - No fat!
No tone either. You don't get enough exercise.
- You open? - Yes.
- Just the paper. - Thirty-five.
Hey, uh, let me ask you a question. Think this guy's out of shape?
I don't know. Can't really tell from here.
- I am... I am not! - He is.
How much can you bench?
- I don't know. - I'd say about 60, 70, tops.
I know I can bench more than that.
I think the lady called it.
My ex-boyfriend was about his size...
but he was much bulkier. He could lift 250, 300 easy.
- Three-fifty, four. - No way!
Feel that.
Hey, that's tight. Solid.
Yeah. Now feel this. Roll up your sleeve, chief.
- Oh, for God's sakes! - See, you're ashamed.
You know you're out of shape.
Here. Take my card.
I can get you on an aerobics/free weights program.
- Are you open? - [Dante] Yes. I'm not out of shape.
Excuse me. Have you been here all day?
- Yeah, since 6:00 this morning. - He's got those love handles.
I don't have love handles!
- We're you working here about 4:00? - Yes.
- It's probably from being around all this food every day. - Oh, I know.
If I had to work here all day, I'd be bloated and out of shape too.
- I'm not out of shape. - Can I have your name, please?
Dante Hicks. Why? What's this all about?
You're Dante Hicks? Oh, my God. I didn't even recognize you.
- Because he's out of shape! - Do I know you?
Yeah. Do you remember Alyssa Jones? She used to hang out...
- With Caitlin Bree! - I'm her sister.
You're Alyssa's sister Heather?
- Yeah. - You, uh, say Caitlin Bree?
- Yeah. - Pretty girl?
A little taller than her? Gorgeous body?
- Yeah. - And you're Dante Hicks.
You went to the same school. You played hockey.
- Yeah, how did you know that? - You still goin' out with her?
- No, she's getting married. - To you?
No. To an Asian design major.
Aw, shit!
Don't take this the wrong way, but, uh, I used to fuck her.
- What? - Yeah, about two, three years ago.
While you two were dating. I drove a black Trans Am.
- You're Rick Daress? - Yeah.
- You know him? - Yeah.
- Caitlin used to talk about him all the time. - Really?
Yeah, you were the guy with the black Trans, and the big...
Wait a second. You used to fuck Caitlin Bree while I was dating her?
Yeah, man. All the time. That girl's like a rabbit.
[Chuckles] She told me this time you went to a motel with a hot tub and mirrors.
- The Glades motel? - Shit, she told you that?
A buddy of mine worked there and watched the whole thing.
They used to film people. They didn't even know about it.
Holy shit! When did all this happen?
Aw, man, don't let it bother you. That was a long time ago.
I'm surprised you didn't know about it, Dante.
Everybody in school knew about it. Even in my class.
Jesus Christ! What next?
- Here you go. - What's this?
- A fine for $500. - What?
Five hundred bucks? For what?
For violation of New Jersey Statute, Section 2A, Number 170/51.
Any person who sells or makes available tobacco...
or tobacco-related products, to persons under the age of 18...
- is regarded as disorderly. - What are you talkin' about?
According to the N.J.A. C...
the New Jersey Administration Code, Section 18-5/12-5...
a fine of no less than $250 is to be leveled against...
any persons reported selling cigarettes to a minor.
- I didn't do that. - You said you were here all day.
I didn't sell any cigarettes to any kids.
An angry mother called the state division of taxation...
and claimed that a Quick Stop employee...
sold her four-year-old daughter a pack of cigarettes at 4:00 today.
The New Jersey Division of Taxation called the Board of Health...
and sent me down to issue a fine.
You claimed you were working here all day. Hence, the fine is yours.
The fine is doubled due to the incredibly young age of the child.
But I didn't sell any cigarettes to any kids!
You sold cigarettes to a four-year-old? What a scumbag!
That's sick, Dante.
I didn't sell cigarettes to any kids! I swear!
The due date is on the bottom. This summons cannot be contested in any court of law.
Failure to remit before the due date...
will result in a charge of criminal negligence...
and a warrant will be issued for your arrest.
- Have a nice day. - But I didn't sell any cigarettes to any kids.
Hey, wait a minute!
Forget it. I don't want to deal with a guy that sells cigarettes to four-year-olds.
Can I, uh, give you a lift somewhere?
Sure. How 'bout the beach?
I like the way you think.
Jesus! What next?
- [Woman] Dante? - What? Caitlin!
- When did you get home? - Just now.
I can't believe it. I haven't seen you in so long.
Dante, you have a customer.
I just saw Alyssa's little sister outside.
- She was with Rick Daress. - Let's not talk about her.
- How'd you get home? - Train. It took eight hours.
- I can't believe you're here. - Excuse me. Do you have...
Uh, yeah. Back behind the oil. How long you staying?
Until Monday. Then I have to take the train back.
Pack of cigarettes. Hey, congratulations.
I saw the announcement in today's paper.
You know, she's marrying an Asian design major.
So I'm told.
Man, it's fuckin' slow!
## [Hip Hop]
You're just gonna close the store like that?
I wanna talk to you about something, and I don't wanna be disturbed.
Something I read in the tabloids.
- You saw it. - Very dramatic, I thought.
- It is not what you think. - Oh, it's not what I think.
What is it, worse? You're pregnant with the Asian design major's child?
- What's goin' on here? - I am not pregnant.
Were you gonna tell me, or were you gonna send me an invitation?
I was gonna tell you, but we were getting along so well, I didn't wanna mess it up.
You could've broken it to me gently.
You could've started by telling me you had a boyfriend. I told you I had a girlfriend.
I know. I'm sorry, but when we started talking, it was like I forgot I had a boyfriend.
- And then he proposed last month. - And you said yes.
Well, kind of. Sort of.
Is that what they teach you in that school of yours? "Kind of," "sort of"?
Everybody knows about this except me! Do you know how humiliating that is?
I would've told you, and you would've stopped calling me, like a baby.
- How do you know that? - Because I know you.
You prefer drastic measures to rational ones.
- So you're really getting married? - No.
- You're not really getting married? - [Scoffs]
The story goes like this. He proposed to me, I told him I had to think about it...
and he insisted that I wear the ring anyway.
Then my mother told the paper we were engaged.
- Oh, how like her. - Then my mother called me this morning...
to let me know that the announcement was in the paper.
That's when I hopped a train to come back here, because I knew you'd be a wreck.
- Thanks for the vote of confidence. - Was I right?
"Wreck" is a harsh term. "Disturbed" is more like it. "Mildly disturbed," even.
Oh, I love a macho facade. It is such a turn-on.
- What smells like shoe polish? - So you came here to what? To comfort me?
The last thing I needed was for you to think I was hiding something from you.
- But you were! - No, I wasn't! Not really.
I told you I'd been seeing other people.
Yeah, but not seriously. Christ, you're ready to walk down the aisle.
I think that constitutes something more than just seeing somebody.
- What's going on? - I'm giving him his ring back.
- What? - [Sighs] I don't want to marry him.
I don't want to get married now. I'm on the verge of graduation.
I want to go to grad school after this, and then I want to start a career.
I don't want to be a wife first and then have to worry about...
when I'm gonna fit in the other stuff.
I have come way too far and studied too damn hard...
to let my education go to waste as a housewife.
And I know that's what I'd become.
Sang's just signed with a major firm, and he's gonna be pulling in a huge salary...
which would give me no reason to work.
- He's very traditional. - Wait a minute.
- His name is "Sang"? Past tense? - Stop it. He's a nice guy.
Well, if he's so nice, why aren't you marrying him?
- I just told you. - There's more to this, isn't there?
Oh! Why, Mr. Hicks, whatever do you mean?
- Tell me I don't have something to do with it. - You have nothing to do with it.
- Oh, you lie! - Look how full of yourself you are!
I just believe in giving credit where credit's due...
and I believe I'm the impetus behind your refusal to wed.
If I'm so nuts about you, then why am I having sex with an Asian design major?
Oh, Jesus. You're so caustic.
I had to knock you down from that cloud you were floating on.
When I say I don't want to get married, I mean just that.
I don't want to marry anybody. Not for years.
Who's asking? I don't want to marry you.
Well, good. Keep in that frame of mind.
- Well, let's date. - Oh, I think Sang and... Veronica...
they'd love that.
We can introduce the two of them. They may hit it off.
You're serious? You wanna date again?
I wanna be your boyfriend, yes.
It's just the shock of seeing me after three years.
- Believe me, you'll get over it. - Gimme a bit more credit.
I think it's time we got back together.
I'm more mature, you're more mature. You're finishing college.
- I'm already in the job market. - You work in a market, all right.
Cute. Tell me you wouldn't wanna go out with me again...
after all the talking we've been doing.
The key word here is "talk," Dante.
I think the idea, or the conception of us dating...
is a lot more idyllic than what actually happens when we date.
What are we supposed to do? Pretend over the phone we're dating?
I don't know. Maybe we should just see what happens.
- Let me take you out tonight. - On a date?
Yeah, a real date. Dinner and a movie.
Oh, the "Dante Hicks Dinner and Movie" date.
- I think I've been on that one before. - Do you have a better suggestion?
Well, how 'bout the "Caitlin Bree...
Walk On The Boardwalk, Then Get Naked Somewhere" kind of private date?
- I hear that's kind of a popular date. - Jerk!
God, here I am, throwing myself at you...
succumbing to your wily charms, and you're calling me a slut in so many words.
- What about Sing? Sang. - Sang!
- He's not invited. - He's your fiancé.
I'm offering you my body, and you're offering me semantics.
He's just a boyfriend, Dante, and in case you haven't gotten the drift...
of why I came all the way here from Ohio...
Duh! I'm about to become single again.
And yes, allow me to placate your ego.
You are the inspiration for this bold and momentous decision...
that will probably get me ostracized from both school and home.
You ask me who I choose.
I choose you.
- So, what are you saying? - You are such an asshole.
- I'm just kidding! - I can already see this is not gonna work out.
- I'll ask Randal to close up when he gets back. - Where is he, anyway?
I thought he'd be at your side like an obedient lapdog.
He went to go rent a movie. He isn't back yet.
Ah, screw it. I'll close up and leave him a note.
You are too responsible. But no, I have to go home first.
They don't even know I've left school yet.
And I should break the disengagement news to my mother...
which is gonna cause quite a row considering she loves Sang.
- Who doesn't? - Well, me, I guess.
[Sighs] So I shall take my leave of you...
but I will return in a little while...
at which time, yes, I would love to go for dinner and a movie with you.
What happened to the walk and the nakedness?
I'm easy, but I'm not that easy.
See you later, handsome.
Yes!
## [Hip Hop]
- [Door Opens] - Hey, what'd you rent?
"Best of Both Worlds"?
Hermaphroditic porn. Starlets with both organs.
You should see the box. Beautiful chicks with dicks that put mine to shame.
- And you rented this? - Hey, I like to expand my horizons.
- I got fined for selling cigarettes to a minor. - No way.
- Five hundred dollars. - You're bullshittin'.
No, I'm not.
Holy shit! I didn't even think they enforced this.
- Living proof. - I thought you never sold cigarettes to kids.
- I didn't. You did. - Really?
Yep. A little girl, maybe four years old.
- Holy shit! That girl? - Yeah, as opposed to hundreds of other children...
you've sold cigarettes while working here.
- Then how come you got the fine? - 'Cause I'm here.
- You're lyin'. - No, I'm not.
- Why aren't you screaming at me right now? - 'Cause I'm happy.
- You're happy? You're happy to get a fine? - I'm happy.
- No, I'm happy because Caitlin came to see me. - Now I know you're lyin'.
- I'm not. She just left. - What'd she say?
She's not marrying that guy. She went home to tell her mom.
- You're kiddin'. - I'm not.
Well, you've had quite an evening.
She went home and she's getting ready and we're going out.
I feel so ineffectual. Is there anything I can do for you?
Watch the store while I go home and change?
What happened to "Title dictates behavior"?
Well, this is my way of spitting water at life.
All right. You want me to bring the VCR over so we can watch this?
No, I might be leaving early to go out with Caitlin...
in which case, you're gonna lock up the store tonight.
All right, but you're missin' out. Chicks with dicks.
- I'll buy the book. - [Door Creaking]
- Oh, he's so cute. What's his name? - Peptic Ulcer.
[Laughing]
[Woman Moaning]
Well, Randal Graves...
scourge of the video renter.
Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Asian Design Major herself, Caitlin Bree.
You saw that article? God, isn't it awful? My mother sent that in.
- I take it she likes the guy. - You'd think she's marrying him.
- What are you watching? - Children's programming.
What'd your mom say when you told her you weren't engaged anymore?
She said not to come home until after graduation.
Wow! You got thrown out for Dante?
What can I say? He does weird things to me.
- Ooh, can I watch? - You can hold me down.
- Can I join in? - [Clicks Tongue] You might be let down.
- I'm not a hermaphrodite. - Hey, few are.
So what makes you think you can maintain a relationship with him this time around?
A woman's intuition.
Something inside of me says it's time to give the old boy a serious try.
Wow! Hey, you know, you and I have something in common.
- We both eat Chinese. - [Scoffs] Dick.
- Exactly. - So where is he?
He went home to change for the big date.
- God, isn't he great? - No. This is great.
Oh, lord. Can I use your bathroom?
- There's no lights back there. - Why aren't there any lights?
There are, but for some reason they stop working at 5:14 every night.
- You're kidding. - Nobody can figure it out.
The boss doesn't want to pay the electrician to fix it...
'cause the electrician owes money to the video store.
- Such a sordid state of affairs. - And I'm caught in the middle...
torn between my loyalty for the boss and my desire to piss with the lights on.
Well, I'll try to manage.
Oh, hey, Caitlin?
Break his heart again this time, and I'll kill ya.
Nothing personal.
You are very protective of him, Randal. You always have been.
Territoriality. He was mine first.
Oh, that was so cute.
[Sighs]
[People Screaming on TV]
[Clock Ticking]
[Bed Squeaking, People Moaning On Video]
Who eats cock?
Bunch of savages in this town.
Hey, Caitlin's in the back. You might want to check on her.
- She's been back there a long time. - There are no lights back there.
I told her that. She said she didn't need any.
Why don't you go join her? Make a little bathroom bam-bam.
Oh, I love your sexy talk. It's so kindergarten.
- "Poo-poo," "wee-wee." - Fuck you.
[Door Opening]
[Woman Moaning On Video]
[Woman on Video] Oh, help. Stop, stop.
How did you get here so fast?
I left like an hour ago.
Do you always talk this weird after you violate a woman?
Maybe the Asian design major slipped her some opium.
- Could be. - It has never been like that before.
Like what?
When you just lay perfectly still and let me do everything.
Am I missing something here?
Okay.
I went back there and Dante was already waiting for me.
- He was? - It was so cool.
He didn't say a word. He didn't have to.
[Sighs] He was just... ready.
You know. And, like, we didn't kiss or talk or anything.
He just sat there and let me do all the work.
You dog! I didn't even see you go back there.
The fact that there weren't any lights on made it so...
God, that was so great!
My legs are still shaking.
- It wasn't me. - [Scoffs]
Yeah, right. Who was it, then? Randal?
- Was it you? - I was up here the whole time.
- You two better quit it. - I'm serious.
Oh, so we didn't just have sex in the bathroom?
No.
Stop it. This isn't funny.
I'm not fooling around. I just came in from outside.
- This isn't fucking funny, Dante. - I'm not kidding.
- Who went back there? - Nobody. I swear.
- I feel nauseous. - Are you sure there was someone back there?
Well, I didn't just fuck myself! Jesus Christ!
- God, I'm gonna be sick! - You just fucked a total stranger?
- Shut the fuck up! - I can't believe this.
- Call the police. - Why? - No, don't!
There's a stranger in our bathroom! He just raped Caitlin!
- She said she did all the work. - Will you shut the fuck up?
Who the fuck's in our bathroom?
[Woman] Who is he?
[Dante] I don't know. He just came in and asked to use the bathroom.
- What time was this? - I don't know.
What time did hockey end?
Um, like 3:00, 3:30.
- What time we get back from the funeral? - Four, I think.
- Wait. Who was working here? - Just me.
I thought you just said you went to play hockey and then went to a funeral.
- Yeah, we did. - Then who was operating the store?
- Nobody. It was closed. - With this guy locked in here?
Well, everything happened so quickly, I guess I forgot he was back there.
- [Man] Can we take it now? - Go ahead.
Was he alive when Caitlin...
No. I place the time of death about 3:20.
Then how could she... You know.
[Coroner] The body can maintain an erection after expiration, sometimes for hours.
Did he have the adult magazine when he came in?
Uh, no. I gave it to him.
He asked me for it.
I can't say for certain until we get him back to the lab, but my guess is...
he was masturbating, his heart seized and he died.
That's when the girl found him. [Sniffing]
Uh, something smells like shoe polish.
This has got to be the weirdest thing you've ever been called in on.
Actually, I once had to tag a kid that broke his neck trying to put his mouth on his penis.
What about Caitlin?
[Coroner] Shock trauma. She's gonna need years of therapy after this.
My question is: How did she come to have sex with a dead man?
She thought it was me.
What kind of convenience store do you run here?
[Engine Running]
[Siren Blaring]
[Siren Fading]
I knew that motherfucker's gonna kill someone someday.
Do you think she was talking about my cousin?
## [Humming "Theme from Jaws"]
Salsa shark.
"We're gonna need a bigger boat."
Man goes into cage, cage goes into salsa.
Shark's in the salsa. Our shark.
Oh, what? What's with you, man?
You haven't said anything for, like, 20 minutes. What the hell's your problem?
- [Sighs] This life. - "This life"?
Why do I have this life?
Have some chips. You'll feel better.
I'm stuck in this pit, working for less than slave wages...
working on my day off.
The goddamn steel shutters are closed.
I deal with every backward-assed fuck on the planet.
I smell like shoe polish.
My ex-girlfriend is catatonic after fucking a dead guy...
and my present girlfriend has sucked 36 dicks.
- Thirty-seven. - My life's in the shitter right now...
and if you don't mind, I'd like to stew a bit.
- [Man] You open? - Yeah.
[Randal] Aw, that's all bullshit, man.
- You know what the real problem here is? - I was born?
- You should shit or get off the pot. - I should shit or get off the pot.
- Yeah, you should shit or get off the pot. - What are you talking about?
I'm talking about this thing you have. This inability to improve your station in life.
- Fuck you! - It's true, man.
You sit there and blame life for dealin' you a cruddy hand...
never once accepting responsibility for the way your situation is.
- What responsibility? - All right. If you hate this job and the people...
and the fact that you have to come in on your day off, why don't you quit?
- Like it's that easy. - It is. You just up and quit.
There's other jobs. They pay better money.
You're bound to be qualified for at least one of 'em. So what's stoppin' you?
- Leave me alone. - Oh, you're comfortable, right?
This is a life of convenience for you, and any attempt to change it...
would shatter the pathetic microcosm you've fashioned for yourself.
Oh! Like your life's any better.
I'm satisfied with my situation for now. You don't hear me complaining.
You, on the other hand, have been bitching all day.
Thank you. Why don't you go back to the video store?
- It's the same thing with Veronica. - Leave her out of this!
You date Veronica because it's convenient and she's low maintenance.
But meanwhile, all you ever do is talk about Caitlin.
You carry a torch for a girl you dated in high school.
- In high school, for God's sakes. You're 22. - Leave me alone!
If you want Caitlin, then talk to Veronica and be with Caitlin.
If you want Veronica, then be with Veronica.
But don't pine for one and fuck the other.
Man, if you weren't such a fucking coward...
If I wasn't such a fucking coward.
It must be great to have this ability to simplify things the way you do.
- Am I right or what? - You're wrong!
Things happened today. Things that probably ruined my chances with Caitlin.
Oh, what, the dead guy? She'll get over fuckin' a dead guy.
Shit, my mom's been fuckin' a dead guy for 30 years. I call him "Dad."
Caitlin and I can't be together. It's impossible.
Melodrama comin' from you seems about as natural as an oral bowel movement.
What do you want me to say? "Yes, some of the things you're saying are true"?
That's the way things are. They're not gonna change.
- Make 'em change. - I can't, all right?
Jesus, will you leave me alone?
I can't make changes in my life like that. If I could, I would.
But I don't have the ability to risk comfortable situations...
on the big money and the fabulous prizes!
- Who are you kidding? You can so. - Jesus H. Christ! I can't!
So you're gonna sit there and be miserable 'cause you don't have the guts to face change?
My mother told me once that when I was three years old...
my potty lid was closed...
and instead of me lifting it, I shit my pants.
Lovely story.
The point is, I'm not the type of person...
who'll disrupt things just so I can shit comfortably.
- [Door Opening] - #Noise, noise, noise Smokin' weed, smokin' weed #
# Doin' coke, drinkin' beers # Pack o' "rass," my good man.
Time to kick back, drink some beers and smoke some weed!
Done poisoning the youth for today, huh?
Hell, yes, whatever that means.
Now it's time to head over to Atlantic, drink some beers...
get ripped and, hopefully, get laid.
- [Dante] One seventy-nine. - Pay the good man.
- Yeah, you close soon? - In half an hour.
Yeah, we get off the same time every day.
- We should hang out. You get high? - I should start.
Wanna come to this party with me tonight? There's gonna be some pussy there.
With you? I don't think so.
Oh, look at you. "I don't hang out with drug dealers."
- Nothing personal. - I work, just like you, dude.
You're more of a crook than I am.
How do you figure? Hey, I can't believe... You can't roll a joint in here!
Relax, bro.
What I mean is, you sell this shit for the highest price around.
$1.79 for uh, what is this shit?
- It's not my store. - These ain't my drugs. I just sell 'em.
- The difference is, you exploit a weakness. - What's that mean?
You take advantage of people who can't stay away from an addiction.
- How much is a Pepsi here? - One sixty-nine plus tax.
At Food City, it's 99˘, plus tax.
- So? - So, people come here, see $1.89 for a Pepsi.
It's like, 99˘ over Food City, but I don't feel like driving there, so I'll buy it here.
That's exploiting a weakness, too, isn't it?
Yo, what happened with that old guy?
- He died in the bathroom. - I heard he was jerkin' off or something.
I don't know. I wasn't watching.
He probably saw that Caitlin chick. I know I felt like beatin' it when I saw her.
Oh, come here, bitch. You like this? Huh?
- This what you want? - Knock it off. That used to be my girlfriend, all right?
Oh, you used to go out with her?
Yeah, well, I thought we might be starting again.
- Don't you already have a girlfriend? - [Dante] Yeah, Veronica.
- Didn't I see her carrying a plate of food here? - Yeah, lasagna.
- And what, you're gonna dump her for that Caitlin chick? - Maybe.
I don't know, dude. That Caitlin chick's nice, but I see that Veronica girl...
doin' shit for you all the time.
I saw her rubbin' your back, fuckin' comes and brings your food.
- Didn't I see her change your tire once? - Hey, I jacked up the car.
All she did was unloosen the nuts and put the tire on.
- Well, I know she does a lot for you. - She's my girlfriend.
I had some girlfriends too, but all they wanted from me was weed and shit.
Shit, my grandmother used to say, "What's better?
Fuckin' a good plate with nothin' on it?"
No, wait. I fucked up. "What's a good plate with nothin' on it?"
Meaning?
I don't know. She was senile. Shit, she used to fuckin' piss herself all the time...
and shit herself.
Come on, Silent Bob. Let's get the fuck outta this fuckin' gyp joint...
with this fuckin' faggot Dante.
You cock smoker.
You know, there's a million fine-lookin' women in the world, dude...
but they don't all bring ya lasagna at work.
Most of 'em just cheat on ya.
[Jay] Come on, limp dick!
[Silent Bob] Yeah, yeah, yeah.
He's right.
I love her.
So that's it. He doesn't love you anymore. He loves Caitlin.
And he told you all of this?
Pretty much. All except the latent homosexuality part. That's just my theory.
Uh... I don't know what to say.
Don't hold it against him. I mean, he just never got Caitlin out of his system.
It's not your fault. It's Dante.
L-Look. I don't know thing one about chicks.
So if you gotta cry or something, I can get outta here.
- I'm not sad. - You're not?
No. I'm more furious. I'm pissed off.
He's been killing time while he gets the balls to tell me what he really feels.
Then he can't do it. He has his friend do it for him.
Wait, he didn't ask me to do this.
After all I've done for that fuck.
Now he wants to be with that slut? Fine.
- He can have his slut. - Do you think you can give me a lift home tonight?
- I'm gonna talk to that asshole. - Wait. Veronica, I don't think...
[Sighs]
What am I worried about? Alls he ever did was complain about her.
He'll probably be happy I got the ball rolling.
I'm just looking out for his best interest.
That's what a friend does, am I right?
- I did him a favor. - Ooh, Navy Seals!
Ow! What'd you do that for?
If you didn't wanna go out with me anymore, why didn't you say so?
Instead you pussyfoot around and see that slut behind my back!
- What are you talking about? - You've been talking to her on the phone for weeks!
- It was only a few times. - Then you pull that shit this morning...
freaking out because I've gone down a couple of guys.
- Oh, a couple? - I'm not the one trying to patch things up with my ex...
sneaking around behind your back!
If you think 37 dicks are a lot, just wait and see, mister.
I'm going to put the hookers in Times Square to shame with all the guys I go down on now!
- Will you let me explain? - Explain what?
How you've been waiting until the time was right, and then you were going to dump me for her?
- It isn't like that! - Damn right it isn't like that!
Because I won't let it be. You want your slut? Fine, the slut is yours.
- I don't want Caitlin. - You don't know what you want!
But I'm not going to hold your hand anymore until you figure it out!
I've tried with you, Dante.
I've encouraged you to get out of this fucking dump and go back to school...
to take charge of your life and find direction.
I even transferred so maybe you'd be more inclined...
to go back to college if I was with you.
Everyone said it was a stupid move, but I didn't care.
Because I loved you and wanted to see you...
pull yourself out of this senseless funk that you've been in...
since that whore dumped you oh so many years ago.
Now you wanna go back to her so she can fuck you over some more!
- I don't wanna go back... - Of course not! Not now!
You're caught, and now you're trying to snake out of doing what you wanted to do!
Well, I won't let you.
I want you to follow through on this so you can find out what a fucking idiot you are!
And when she dumps you again... I promise you, Dante, she will... When she dumps you again...
I want to laugh in your face so you realize that...
that was what you gave up our relationship for!
I'm just glad that Randal had the balls to tell me since you couldn't!
- Randal? - And having him tell me, that was just the weakest move ever.
- You're spineless! - Veronica, I love you!
Fuck you!
[Gong Ringing]
Dante?
[Rock Music Starts]
[Grunting]
How's your eye?
The swelling's not that bad, but the F.D.S. Stings.
- How's your neck? - It's kinda hard to swallow.
You didn't have to choke me, you know.
Why did you tell Veronica that I was gonna dump her to go back with Caitlin?
- I thought I was doing you a favor. - Oh, Jesus.
You're always saying how you can't initiate change yourself. I thought I'd give you a hand.
Thanks.
You still didn't have to choke me.
Oh, please. I'm surprised I didn't kill you.
- Why do you say that? - Why do I say that?
Randal... [Sighs] Forget it.
- No, really. What did I do that was so wrong? - What don't you do?
Sometimes I think the only reason you come to work is to make my life miserable.
- How do you figure? - What time did you get to work today?
Like 10:00, or ten after.
You were over a half an hour late. And then all you do is come in here.
- Yeah, to talk to you. - Which means the video store is ostensibly closed!
Oh, it's not like I'm miles away.
Unless you're out renting video at other video stores.
- Hermaphrodites. I rented it so we could watch it together. - You get me slapped with a fine.
You argue with the customers, and I have to patch everything up.
You get us thrown out of a funeral by violating the corpse.
Then to top it all off, you ruin my relationship. I mean, what's your encore?
Do you, like, anally rape my mother while pouring sugar in my gas tank?
You know what the real tragedy about all of this is?
I'm not even supposed to be here today!
Oh, fuck you! Fuck you, pal!
Jesus, there you go, trying to pass the buck.
I'm the source of all your misery.
Who closed the store to play hockey? Who closed the store to go to a wake?
Who tried to win back his ex-girlfriend...
without even discussing how he felt with his present one?
You wanna blame somebody? Blame yourself.
"I'm not even supposed to be here today." You sound like an asshole!
Jesus, nobody twisted your arm to be here.
You're here of your own volition.
You like to think the weight of the world rests on your shoulder...
like this place would fall apart if Dante wasn't here.
Jesus, you overcompensate for having what's basically a monkey's job.
You push fuckin' buttons. Anybody could waltz in here and do our jobs.
You're so obsessed with making it seem so much more epic...
so much more important than it really is.
Christ, you work in a convenience store, Dante, and badly, I might add!
I work in a shitty video store, badly as well.
You know, that guy Jay's got it right, man. He has no delusions about what he does.
Us, we like to make ourselves seem so much more important...
than the people that come in here to buy a paper or, God forbid, cigarettes.
We look down on them as if we're so advanced.
Well, if we're so fuckin' advanced...
what are we doin' workin' here?
Hey, the floor looks pretty clean. I put the cat next door.
- Need a ride home? - No, I got one. Just pulled up.
You workin' tomorrow?
Same time. What about you?
I'm callin' out. Goin' to the hospital and visit Caitlin.
And then I'm gonna try to talk to Veronica.
You wanna grab a bite to eat or something...
when you're done with that and I get off work?
- I'll give you a call, let you know. - All right.
Hey, good luck with Veronica.
- If you want, I can talk to her, try and straighten this... - No, thanks.
I think I can handle it.
We have a lot of shit to talk about.
- Hell of a day. - To say the least.
Want me to do anything before I get out of here, man?
Why don't you wrangle for me?
- [Scoffs] No. - Come on. Just wrangle out the door.
- No. No, no, no. - Come on.
# Here comes Wrangler #
# He's one tough customer #
# He knows what he likes when he sees ## [Laughing]
You're closed.
What, you forget something?
Oh, I'm sorry. We're closed.
[Gunshot]